Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Yes, I know, I know...... you've been around for over a decade and you're starting to get a little bit of popularity and that big shit producer than the label brought in for you is telling you that you're the greatest singer since Andrea Bocelli and that you're the greatest lyricist to grace the face of metal music since Neil Peart, but guess what...... you're not. As Dirty Harry Callaghan once said "a man's got to know his limitations." Since the producer and your own enormous ego are preventing you from noticing yours, allow me to point them out for you. First off, your vocals chords are likely shredded from years and years of growling, screaming, barking, whatever. What am I talking about? You know that weird tone your speech has where it always sounds like you have a glob of phlegm stuck in your throat? Yeah, that carries over into your vocal performance and it's especially prevalent when you decide to try and sing "clean" or "melodically." There is a reason why Death's version of "Painkiller" isn't as good as Judas Priest's, and it has nothing to do with the instrumentation. No, it has more to do with the fact that by the time Chuck decided he was gonna spend 5 minutes or so pretending to be a power metal singer that his vocal chords were so shredded, he sounded like a chipmunk drowning while gargling the semen of a mountain goat. This, however, is not your only problem. The second is the simple fact that.... well...... you can't fucking sing to start with. Yes, yes, I know.... you've always been into "a lot of really good non metal stuff too" and that you "wanted to show those influences too, man," but the thing is....... if you could sing prog rock or power metal..... you would probably be fronting a band in one of those genres instead of gurgling about mutilation and lucifer whilst everyone ignores you and pays more attention to guitar players and drummer, hmm? It's true that your vocal chords may not be shredded...... or at least not as shredded as someone like Chuck Schuldiner or that humpty dumpty lookalike that fronts Cannibal Corpse, but your tone deafness and lack of vocal range make your vocals even less enjoyable than one of those patchouli scented douche bags who thwacks out cut rate renditions of indie folk songs at the local coffee shop on Saturday nights. The bottom line, if you were always into soaring vocals and such, maybe you should have spent some more time trying to get your pitch right and less time polishing your bullet belts, eh? I find myself wondering if half of you jackasses take the time to listen back to your piss poor "clean" vocal tracks. Maybe you do and your own fucking hubris just prevents you from acknowledging reality..... the reality being that you are called a "vocalist" and not a "singer" for a reason. By exposing the world to your out of key caterwauling or dead, lifeless mumbling masquerading as singing, you're not making extreme metal better, you are just making music worse. That's all.